| I have all I need. |
[31 Mar 2004|10:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 okay |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Bush - Glycerine |
] |
I've fucked up a lot in the past few weeks...
but it's been the best few weeks I've ever had.
It has been proven that I have wonderful friends,
and an awesome family, flaws and all.
That's all I need right now:
A support base, and the courage to try new things.
December made me stronger,
March made me braver. I can face anything.
And with this,
I close the diary.
Take care. :)
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| Word of the day award! |
[29 Mar 2004|05:19pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Lustre - Nice Overalls |
] |
And the Word of the day award goes to.... GREG WARD!! *applause*
He used the marvelous word "anti-establishmentarianism" in everyday context!
HE IS TRULY A KING AMONG MEN!
Keep reaching for that verbal rainbow, Gregory!
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| Cecilia Zhang found dead near Eglinton and Mississauga Road |
[28 Mar 2004|07:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
unsettled |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Our Lady Peace - Thief |
] |
Mom and I were driving home from Alex's house awhile ago, and we drove past the crime scene where Cecilia Zhang's remains were found. It was so strange, seeing the police lights flashing in the dark and reporters, cameras and such in the distance. It's scary that something like that can happen in your community. Whenever I see reports of abductions and rapes and murders and such, it's sad but it doesn't feel real. This feels different.
It's scary that something like that can happen just ten minutes away, that little nine-year-old girls can be abducted from their bedrooms and murdered. That the murderer could live somewhere in Peel region, perhaps a neighbour, perhaps someone that one of us has passed in a store or on the street. It's different when it happens in America or in other provinces, because it's so far away, things like that could never happen here, in such a safe community. But it did, and that's terrifying. And to think that she would be ten on Tuesday.
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| It feels like spring! |
[25 Mar 2004|05:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Matchbox 20 - Argue |
] |
And finally spring kicks in. Today was a beautiful day, my ideal weather. It was overcast but warm, with a cool breeze. It has been the warmest day of the year so far (13 degrees), and it's supposed to be even warmer tomorrow (16 degrees). This makes me very happy. I skipped fourth period today to chill with Lisa, Liisa and Gunjan, since I never do anymore. It was really fun; when I came home I told my mom I had a bad headache in the afternoon, and the only reason I went to fifth was because I had a presentation. She bought it, but told me to call her first next time.
All this week I've been researching different universities, because I'm supposed to study three different occupations for careers class that I may be interested in pursuing for post-secondary education. So far, I've been thinking of majoring in something broad like history, philosophy or english, and then looking for jobs as either a journalist or book editor. That kind of major would be perfect for me I think, because it doesn't close very many doors, and I can change my mind about what occupation I may want to pursue without changing my major. I still have two years to decide for sure, though, so I shouldn't even be worrying about this right now.
Things, in general, have been great. I'm so proud of my academic standings thus far in second semester, my average right now is about an 84. The band is auditioning for Artsfest on Monday, and I'm very excited. Also, I'm going to try out for the improv team again, and since there are only a couple of people left at The Weeds which were members last year, I think I have a pretty good chance. Artsfest will be awesome, because so many of my friends are auditioning. It would be awesome if we all got in. If you're not already auditioning for Artsfest, think of something and try out! It doesn't hurt to audition.
Well, that's all. I have two essays and a careers assignment due tomorrow, so I'd better get cooking.
( I caught that virus that's going around. )
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| I'm still alive! |
[23 Mar 2004|09:58pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
alive |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Nirvana - Jesus Don't Want Me For a Sunbeam |
] |
Well, I didn't die.
However, I did spend a couple hours of my evening with Stina and Fai, the two craziest and awesome girls on the planet. Good times were had. (Y)
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| seven good things! |
[20 Mar 2004|10:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 geeky |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the yeah yeah yeahs - bang! |
] |
(my journal is quickly losing substance, can you feel it?)
1. coming across a killer band like the yeah yeah yeahs
2. rainy saturdays spent in the car with top 40 radio
3. when sudden inspiration hits and you find yourself in the midst of a masterpiece
4. tearing yourself away from this stupid machine to have some real fun
5. talking with your best friend at 1:30am, groggy with a lump in your throat
6. when your thirteen year old brother laughs at your jokes
7. finding out band practice starts at four-thirty instead of twelve!
the end.
|
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| Top 50 Favourite songs of all time |
[19 Mar 2004|11:52am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 creative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Radiohead - My Iron Lung |
] |
This is what happens when you get bored. You start making lists.
( My 50 Favourite Songs in the Entire World )
... And I'm spent. That took an hour and a half to compile.
ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND COMES OUT TODAY!
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY long live Charlie Kaufman
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| I'm feeling a little nostalgic. |
[18 Mar 2004|10:10am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 nostalgic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Weezer - Photograph |
] |
Before the regularly scheduled program, here's a little comic:
( GUNJAN'S BIG ADVENTURE!! )
FIVE RANDOM HAPPY MOMENTS.
1. I don't know why this comes to mind, but it was truly one of the greatest nights I remember having. It was at Scanlon creek, and the sun had just set, and it was a really nice warm night where the stars were out. Everyone was outside because we were waiting for the pizza to come. Stina, Mike, Josh H. and I were just walking around talking about our lives and stuff, and Stina ran off to talk to Mike Toth. Mike, Josh and I went up to Jeff and Weg, who were on these two massive fifteen foot blocks of stone. They were making totem pole positions and seeing who could stand the longest on one foot and stuff. Noah, Lisa, Jeff, Weg, Simone, Josh, Mike and I were all trying to scramble on the totem poles at once, and we were pushing each other off and stuff. And later on, I remember Josh and I lay on the grass and stared up at the sky and talked. It was really nice, and a hell of a lot of fun. It's one of the only times I remember all of us (even Weg) being together and being really happy and actually wanting to be there.
2. At Jeff's house a little more than a year ago, Liisa, Tab, Greg and I were sitting behind the couch in the dark, gazing out the window and talking. Pearl Jam was on the stereo, and the falling snow was collecting on the windowsill and on the asphalt below. It was a winter wonderland in the least-cheesy sense of the word. The fish tank was glowing in the dark room, and we were all just talking in hush voices and it was really nice.
3. I remember during March break in eighth grade, Noah and Simon planned a Playdium night. Greg, Simone, Liisa, Atif, Mike, Noah, Simon, Woody, Lisa, and a bunch of other people had come. I remember we went on the virtual reality ride, where you sit in the compartment and it twists you left and right like you're driving a hovercraft. I remember we were all screaming and laughing and flailing our arms in the air, and I couldn't help but feel like I had the best friends in the world. Later on that night, outside waiting for our rides, I was just wandering around the lot by myself, when I hear from behind me "SUPERSAAAAACK!" And before I know it six bodies are running in my direction, and I'm tackled in a giant hug of Atif, Simone, Mike, Noah, and others. It was the greatest.
4. There was a time when I was seven, that my childhood friend Jason and I were climbing trees behind our houses, and it was one of those summer days where it's unbearably hot, then the rainclouds come and you feel that heavy, quiet feeling when it's just about to rain. Mom came outside and told me we were going to Grandma's, in Burk's Falls. The bags were already in the car, we were going up there for the weekend. My brother and I scrambled into the truck, and my Dad started the car and we were off. I watched out the window as the city became highway and corn fields, and the sky became an orange-grey and the rain started to patter on the roof and windshield. My eyes were drooping, and I remember slipping into sleep with the happiest feeling in the world.
5. At Wasaga Beach the summer of 2003, Tab, Liisa, Luke, Greg and I were sitting at a park bench on the beach at 6:00 am, when the sun was beginning to come up. Luke and Liisa were pretty much asleep, leaning against Tab and I. I was watching the sun come up over the horizon of Georgian Bay, and I had the most amazing, beautiful, free feeling. I could have stayed in that moment forever.
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| Weirdest dream ever. |
[17 Mar 2004|02:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
freaked out |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Mates of State - I have space |
] |
I want to tell you about a dream I had last night, so I won't forget it. Some of the imagery is fresh in my mind, yet some other aspects of the dream are blurry. Nonetheless, I'll try to recollect.
Tim, Greg and I were at some halfway house in the middle of the nowhere. It was a big white shack full of children and teenagers, and there was a forest behind it. The house had a swimming pool in the backyard and was right off a dirt road. Everyone was sitting in the backyard, all of the children and the guardians, sitting around the swimming pool just talking, but no one was swimming. I saw a horse galloping within the forest. I asked Tim if it was a wild horse, and he said that he thought so.
The horse galloped into the backyard, and everyone seemed pretty indifferent to it but me. The horse trotted right to me, and trampled over me and I thought it was going to crush me and I began to scream, but everyone just watched indifferently. I managed to get up and the horse took human qualities, and grabbed me and led me into the forest. We reached a clearing in the forest, and the sun was protruding through the grey clouds and the leaves above us shielded the sunlight. The horse became a boy.
"Do you believe in God?" He asked.
"Yes." I said. The leaves cleared and the sky became bright blue, and the yellow sunlight found its way through the trees and became sunbeams. I felt this light feeling, like I had just been cleansed. It became apparent to me that I was going to die.
I followed the boy back to the halfway house, and everyone had gone inside. I went to Greg's room and told him that he wouldn't believe what had just happened. I explained to him what had happened and it was obvious that he was only half-listening. I continued to explain the light feeling I had when I told him I believed in God, and how I felt like my life was coming to an end.
"That could never happen," Greg said. "You're lying." At that point we both fell asleep. And when we woke up, we were both disoriented.
"Why did we fall asleep so suddenly?" He asked.
"I guess I wasn't supposed to tell you," I said. "I guess no one wanted me to tell you." At that point the phone rang, and I picked it up. The boy in the forest was on the other line.
"I don't want to die yet," I told him. "Give me a little more time."
"You're going to die the Tuesday after March break," he told me. "Or, if you'd rather die right now..." As he said that I could feel my heart slowing to a stop, and I screamed into the phone that I didn't want to die. "Fine," he said. "The Tuesday after March break it is."
My mom and brother picked me up from the halfway house, and we went to Kelsey's for dinner. My mom and I were both wearing prom dresses. Chrissy and Adit and Jon were at Kelsey's too, at the booth behind us. Chrissy kept saying hi to me, over and over like she kept forgetting she had said it just two minutes before. My brother and I were fighting about who got to sit at the back of the booth, and my brother threw the table at me. I screamed, and he went and picked up a book shelf and threw it at me. I ignored him, and went to sit at Chrissy's table where we began cheering at something on the TV.
Weirdest dream ever. I wonder if I'm going to die next Tuesday? :P
|
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| Yay for squishy necklaces! |
[12 Mar 2004|08:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Rilo Kiley - Plane Crash in C |
] |
I'm so happy that this week went by as quickly as it did, because now I have all of March break to look forward to! Not that I'm doing anything as exciting as going to Florida or Germany or California, but I can pretend that I'm just as cool.
Today after school Katie, Shell, Pratima, Gunjan and I went to Square One. We bought pop for 50 cent (haha), and went to Claire's and hung out there for like an hour while Katie pierced her ears. We ended up buying these matching necklaces with this little squishy thing, hahah it was pretty great. Afterward we went bra browsing, and tried on prom dresses at Fairweather. The lady in the fitting rooms asked us why we were trying on so many dresses, and we were just like "uh semi formal". Heh, good times. We brought bubble tea and then I ran off to catch my bus. Ran into Sina and Nerdin at the bus terminal, and talked to them for awhile before my bus came. Good times.
In other news, I found a volunteer placement! It's this place called the Bethany Residence, and it's a psychiatric hospital. I'd probably just be filing or cleaning or whatnot, but I still thought it would be interesting working in that kind of environment. My interview is early next week.
Things are good, and I'm glad I'm getting to know people that I've been meaning to acquaint myself with for awhile. Tonight was really fun. (Y)
( Surveytown U.S.A )
|
|
| Pulling a Greg. |
[08 Mar 2004|05:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 jealous |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Radiohead - Talk Show Host |
] |
1. It bothers me that I broke the truce with Hodges, but he bothers me so much sometimes. He stresses that he and everything around him is perfect, and he has this amazing positive outlook. Then, he comes into a conversation saying stupid things like "negativity becomes you" and basically being a jerk (and I'm not alone in that sentiment). Sometimes I think it would be easier if he just yelled back at me whenever there was a confrontation. But he won't, he just stands there smirking, making me feel guilty for feeling the way I do about the things he does.
2. It also frightens me when Tim or Greg go to sit with the grade tens. I could elaborate on this, but I feel reluctant to because feelings would be hurt that don't deserve to be hurt. I just don't want to be left behind, if that makes any sense. I don't want to be replaced.
3. I'm looking forward to Artsfest and Battle of the Bands in some respects; in others I'm horrified.
4. I keep having the same dreams over and over again and it's driving me insane. I think my sub-conscious is trying to purge something, trying to make me aware. Or maybe I'm just slowly making myself mad.
5. I miss you. It's good that you don't know who you are.
6. I'm a mean person. Make no bones about it. I am just a cruel person.
7. I wish I had a good female friend again. I miss it. Or maybe it's just Lisa and Liisa that I miss. Or maybe I want to be closer with Katie and Gunjan. I don't know.
8. Either way, Gunj, you rock my world. QUAR-TER!
9. This recurrence of winter is making me feel very, very depressed.
10. I am a hypocrite.
That's all I can think of saying right now. I'm going to go procrastinate. Take care.
|
|
| You can't have peace by avoiding life. |
[06 Mar 2004|11:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 lonely |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Elliott Smith - Miss Misery |
] |
I think I like the over-gracious pushover Brit better than this moody pseudo-self-reliant girl I've been for the last few weeks. I don't want to become cold and hard, I'm too young for that. I think I'm better off continuing to be everyone's friend, the funny girl, the doormat. It's what I do best.
I cried while watching The Hours, when Virginia Woolf told her husband that she wanted to go back to London, because "you can't have peace by avoiding life". Because he went for her, he was willing to sacrifice all he had for her sanity, and all they needed was themselves. And they never had to be alone, as long as they were together. And they both wanted to be together. And I thought how beautiful that must be, being able to walk hand-in-hand with someone through life. I may only be fifteen years old, but I don't like walking alone.
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| It's over now, I'm cold, alone. |
[02 Mar 2004|09:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
morose |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
k's choice - not an addict |
] |
Breathe it in and breathe it out
And pass it on, it's almost out
We're so creative, so much more
We're high above, but on the floor
It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it, you're on the other side...
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| A breakthrough. |
[29 Feb 2004|11:30am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
pleased |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Damien Rice - The Blower's Daughter |
] |
I get really frustrated, because I try so hard to please as many people as I can. I'm on this quest to be the perfect student (and am currently getting 80s and a 90 in all four subjects), this quest to perfect myself within the band (Matt and I are probably going to take vocal lessons, practicing every day, writing lyrics like a madman), this quest to be the perfect friend. However, it's very difficult to be the best friend that you can when you're trying to be everything to everyone, because not everyone is pleased. Therefore, the only solution is to go with yourself and stop caring about what others think of what it is that you do. Which, if you haven't noticed, is what I've done recently up until a few days ago. I've been getting to know people in my own grade a little better, I've been smoking up without regret or worry about what you think, I've been saying what's at the top of my head and doing what feels best, and for the most part I've felt like I was doing the right thing.
But then I open my eyes and find that there's a select few who seem to have a problem with how I act, what I say, things I do. I thought this over very carefully, lost sleep trying to figure out exactly what it is I do that makes people disapprove of me. I'm not like Greg in that I just shake my head and say "whatever", and pretty much abolish those he doesn't at least 85% like. I'm not like Lisa in that I just focus on myself, go to school and get good grades so she can do what she's wanted to do ever since I've known her, then goes home and cares for who she loves (her pets of course, and she wants to be a veterinarian). And maybe that's a better life, focusing on just what you care deeply about, and pretending that everything else just doesn't exist. But I couldn't do that; I'd feel like I'd be missing out on too many opportunities, too many people to meet.
But back to the original point. I've reached a crossroads, perhaps even the same crossroads that Greg reached last January. 85% of our little group of friends (you know what I'm talking about) I'm comfortable with being myself around and they're fine with me and we have a jolly good time and we get along perfect (hi Katie, Will, Greg, Tim, Jeff, Stina, Atif, Simone, Matt, Gunjan, Tyler, Amanda... you all know who you are, I love you.) But then there are those who feel differently, especially recently, and I continuously try to please them and maybe make them feel a little better regarding me, to no avail because they're just never fucking happy. And they're always the ones who bring me down, but I pay attention and care about them and call them good friends anyway, because I figure it's better to be a half-assed friend than to dislike someone and be disliked back. But not anymore. I think it's time to just concentrate on the things I love to do, continue working hard at school so I can be a photojournalist or a book editor or a screenwriter or many of the several things I want to do. I think it's time to concentrate on the band, audition for Artsfest, get back into drama when the next production occurs (because drama club is always something that's made me feel good, made me feel appreciated, made me feel creative and productive. Plus I've met some of the most amazing people through it). And you know who you are... all three or four of you... ah, fuck it.
I'm disabling the comments because I don't want to bear with stupid people or have that ridiculous argument spread into this update. If you have anything to say, tell me personally. I'm tired of pleasing some people who will just never be pleased. Go find someone else to shake your head at, because I'm through and I've officially stopped caring.
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| Keep an eye on things while I'm gone, keep a lid on things. |
[28 Feb 2004|08:27am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 irritated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Crash Test Dummies - Keep a Lid on Things |
] |
The last month been a blur because I have stopped keeping track of everything. I'm handling this enormous balancing act but it feels like my feet aren't even on the ground. I look back on the last month with curiosity, and all I see is sleep-school-homework-sleep-school-blaze-food-shower-sleep-band-sleep. And I have earned this indifference that I carry around with me like a shield, a test of "hit me with your best shot, I can take it". I used to pace back and forth in my room and lose sleep because I thought that one person in the world who I hardly even knew didn't like me. Now? Whatever. I'm tired and I've lost my train of thought.
I think I latch on to anyone who gives me the slightest sort of attention, put my heart into it, and as soon as that person starts to come around and show me the same attention, I run. I promised myself that this year would be different, and for a while it was. I was staying after school every night, in a play, co-chair of the SAC upper council (which I must admit, I really miss), friends left and right, not really taking risks and raising eyebrows but more like sailing with what works. And it worked. But then little things crumbled and people left and gave up and things started happening (or not happening) and therefore I stopped keeping track. I was more concerned with picking up the mess and putting it back together than paying attention to the road. ... I shouldn't be writing with such depth and introspection at 8:30 in the morning. It isn't healthy.
I ask you, just hang in there. Don't judge. Don't whisper behind me where you think I can't hear. Don't be closed-minded. I may not do things that you support, or say things that you like, but just hang in there. I apologize for anything I've said and done that has offended anyone.
... Wait, no I don't. What am I talking about?
Maybe some of you should start paying attention to yourself instead of others. Do things without thinking. Say what's on the top of your mind. You'll appreciate it in twenty years when you look back at high school and know in your heart that it was a real experience. That's why I feel sorry for all these kids in my grade who don't go to parties, don't participate in things like drama club and other clubs, all they do is maintain their 90s so they can please their parents and get a well-paying dull job so they can buy a house to fill proper children in it who will be just like them, dull and determined to spend their lives in a cubicle making $65,000 a year doing the things they spent their Friday nights doing for the last twenty years.
I could go further, but I'll cut it here.
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| It's a pretty listworthy day. |
[26 Feb 2004|03:43pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 moody |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Rainer Maria - Rise |
] |
Things that make me happy:
- 93% on Fai's and my poetry project
- 95% on my English assignment
- 94% on the Careers package
- 100% on the Careers test
- 87% on the Careers project
Things that piss me off:
- People who whine about good marks
- Fast-trackers (wow, if I take a grade 11 math and science when I'm in grade 10, maybe I'll find some worth and value in my meaningless life!)
- Really sunny days when the snow is blinding and your eyes ache
- Getting out of bed at 6:30 am knowing there's 7 hours of school ahead
- My brother getting a four-day weekend because he faked sick today and he gets tomorrow off
Things I have to do in the next few weeks:
- Get at least an 80% average by mid-term (and with these marks I've been getting, I don't think that's unrealistic)
- Start thinking twice before I say things! Geez, man.
- Finish Greg's and Katie's books they lent me, and finish On the Road
( And here are some pictures I've been meaning to upload for awhile. )
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| WANTED: Blue binder that isn't yours. |
[25 Feb 2004|03:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
frustrated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Von Bondies - C'mon C'mon |
] |
I left my English binder at the lunch table near the window in the cafe at the end of third period today, and didn't realize until the end of fourth that it was missing. I went back to the cafetorium at the end of fourth, but it was nowhere to be found and no one who had fourth lunch at that table had seen it (mind you, I haven't asked Tracy or Karyn yet). But, this is a plea to all of you: if you see a blue binder anywhere, could you please let me know? Losing all of my english notes would be quite the loss, and I'd be pretty pissed off. I just hope that someone accidentally put it in their backpacks thinking it was theirs at the end of third or something. So: WANTED! BLUE ENGLISH BINDER THAT ISN'T YOURS! If found, talk to me. Cash reward? Perhaps. But please, just check your bags to see if you picked up my blue binder thinking it was your blue binder. It happens.
And also: if you think I'm a bitch, don't. Sometimes I kid around, and people take offence and take it seriously. If you are offended by anything I say, or think I'm acting like a bitch, fucking TELL ME. I will probably just laugh and apologize and pay more attention to what comes out of my mouth. I'd rather you scream it in my face that I'm being a bitch, than whisper it to the person beside you. They don't care. I do. So just let me know.
And look out for the blue binder, please. Thank you!
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myghosts's journal
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